The deep end has its allure.
It’s exciting. You feel like you might drown at any moment, gasping for air, and feeling your weight pull you underwater. When you’re dying you’re glad to be alive, and when you’re alive you miss being on the edge of dying. There is no middle. You splash and kick in ecstasy, and drown in misery.
You can’t live that way forever, expending so much energy between losing yourself entirely and trying to find your breath. You have no stamina or balance left to tread, and you hate the water as much as you love it. So you must give in and paddle to shallow waters, and once you are there you find that it is boring. You look out towards the deep end and wish you were in the midst of drowning again.